Confessions of a Cooking Nightmare

One of my secret passions is cooking shows. Watching them. Unfortunately, I am rarely ever able to replicate what I learn. To my chagrin, I am a terrible cook– but something of an expert at putting out small kitchen fires. To date, I have safely passed four major holidays (knock on wood) that I have not set something ablaze. One ‘event’, as my kids call them, was on New Year’s Eve. Did you know that steaks left on the broiler too long can ignite? Like– actually on fire? After that, we started a new family tradition of ordering Chinese food to ensure the safe welcome of a new year. Let’s just say I have an intimate knowledge of hand-held fire extinguishers. Another beloved tradition: before all family dinners, my adoring husband typically sets out antacid tablets by each place setting. I’ve never seen THAT on Top Chef.

I am the person in your office who has to sneak their baked goods into the kitchen. Because if anyone knew those cookies were mine, they would think twice before eating them. The rare times I heard rave reviews about something I baked– okay it was only that once– was when I overheard co-workers talking about my banana bread. (Confession– I make a killer banana bread. In the good way. Like you probably won’t be poisoned by it.) Co-workers were using process of elimination to guess who’d left the ‘delicious’ – I kid you not– banana bread in the kitchen. And the phrase “there’s no way it could be her” was definitely uttered when my name came up. It has been suggested by too many people to count that I could easily be a contestant on Worst Cooks in America. To them I say, bite me. In an amuse bouche sort of way. See– I learned that fancy term from a cooking show.

So, along with whatever random thoughts I post here, will be a series of my cooking disasters. Sadly, they are plentiful and ongoing. When the result is not completely scorched, I will try to post pictures of the results.